Tuesday, July 3, 2012
When I realized, in 2010, that I wouldn't be getting married any time soon, my action item became to expand my search. The hypothesis I wanted to test was that if I reached out far enough, I'd find something that could work with someone who also wanted it to work. I figured my best avenue was through existing circles of friends, off to the periphery, instead of relying on blind luck such as a chance encounter in a grocery store.
Two years later, I'm realizing what I've done has a cost. I worked diligently to expand my circle and by doing so I've almost abandoned those who were once close friends. Before I lost my job, most of my conversations were 5-10 minutes at best, perhaps once a week. I felt tremendous guilt for friends I hadn't seen in weeks or even months, quality people who I wanted to spend time with, but I didn't know how to juggle or schedule it all in.
Losing my job offerred up some time to spend reconnecting with some of these lost friends. Interestingly enough, I haven't done a ton of that. Instead I'm giving myself more time and by doing so I feel more stable and more grounded. My running has returned and I feel a wonderful sense of calm most days.
Once I start working again, it will be interesting to watch myself and try to avoid some of these same tendencies. I don't like the "me" that I see when I am working too much, but I haven't found a job that has ever offered the "right" workload where I feel simultaneously appreciated and utilized but not overwhelmed. It's very similar to how I haven't found a life partner yet, someone who accepts and balances me while continuing to challenge me to do better. And I don't ever expect to find perfection in any of these two pieces of life, most of the beauty lies between the lines, blurred into spaces where I will have to focus in order to see it.