Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Circles



When I realized, in 2010, that I wouldn't be getting married any time soon, my action item became to expand my search.  The hypothesis I wanted to test was that if I reached out far enough, I'd find something that could work with someone who also wanted it to work.  I figured my best avenue was through existing circles of friends, off to the periphery, instead of relying on blind luck such as a chance encounter in a grocery store.

Two years later, I'm realizing what I've done has a cost.  I worked diligently to expand my circle and by doing so I've almost abandoned those who were once close friends.  Before I lost my job, most of my conversations were 5-10 minutes at best, perhaps once a week.  I felt tremendous guilt for friends I hadn't seen in weeks or even months, quality people who I wanted to spend time with, but I didn't know how to juggle or schedule it all in.

Losing my job offerred up some time to spend reconnecting with some of these lost friends.  Interestingly enough, I haven't done a ton of that.  Instead I'm giving myself more time and by doing so I feel more stable and more grounded.  My running has returned and I feel a wonderful sense of calm most days.

Once I start working again, it will be interesting to watch myself and try to avoid some of these same tendencies.  I don't like the "me" that I see when I am working too much, but I haven't found a job that has ever offered the "right" workload where I feel simultaneously appreciated and utilized but not overwhelmed.  It's very similar to how I haven't found a life partner yet, someone who accepts and balances me while continuing to challenge me to do better.  And I don't ever expect to find perfection in any of these two pieces of life, most of the beauty lies between the lines, blurred into spaces where I will have to focus in order to see it.

3 comments:

  1. "my running has returned"...YES!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. the beauty does lie in the most blurry areas and often it is right in front of us. at times we have to sit back, surrender to really see it.

    running is so good. glad you have made your way back to this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As you say, perfection is an illusory world.

    ReplyDelete