Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Sometimes I read

Lately, I haven't read enough.  I haven't made time for many things that I truly appreciate in life, reading friend's blogs, making time to see and talk to friends in person, reading books, walking Hunter, etc.

Work has taken over a large portion of my weekdays.  Perhaps I am particularly poor at multitasking or perhaps there is something truly exhausting about the never-done aspect of software, it could always be better, and the millionth iteration is no more complete than the thousandth.

My yoga practice is suffering, and my running is nonexistent.  I loved reading about James's course record last weekend, meanwhile the thought of racing seems terribly foreign.

I barely have time during the day to walk next door to grab lunch before they close.  I typically get by with groceries bought once a week at jimbos and kept in the office fridge to fuel myself.  I typically get dehydrated even though the water spigot is merely 10 feet away.

I'm overdue on coaching updates to the team from our time trial on Saturday.  I didn't see Cody last weekend, and I only got half of the hedge "fixed" after it felt down in the rain/wind.

And so, the moments for self reflection are few.  The moments for reading are even fewer.  I don't even have a child, I simply cannot fathom how parents are able to survive a single day.

I look forward to a little bit of settling down, but meanwhile I recognize this steady roller coaster of a ride that work has become.  I hear about it from everyone else as well.  It seems as if the generation before us had some modicum of sustainability to their jobs which we may never know.  Feast or famine is the modern definition of work, no employer seems healthy without a big growth angle.

I remember feeling this way about this time last year.  Perhaps coaching simply is asking too much of myself.  Of course I have college interviews coming up which always take more time than I expect, 1 hour to meet, 20 minutes to drive each way, and another hour to write about a student who has less than a 1% chance of getting in to Princeton, it all seems so futile and wasteful, just as my father's discussion of the Waikiki storefronts spewing cold air onto the sidewalk.

I know how to deal with this, just like any stress, the first response is to simply "breathe".  Yoga truly helps me through these times.  But I also know that I'm going to have to say no to things in the future and that's part of what seems to wear on me now.  I don't like saying no.  I'm not any good at it.


  1. I'm with you! I've been blaming unseasonably warm weather for being so behind the eight ball. But with colder weather coming, I may have to shift the excuse to shorter days! Great post, I'm glad I'm not the only one ;)

  2. We live different lives, you and me. As my blog indicates, I am living in the 4th Chapter of my life, when I have all of the time in the world, provided that my health continues to survive the aging process, to do whatever I want to. I chose to work 1/2 time to suit my interests, exercise my brain, and maintain a bit of self worth....as well as pay for my dance lessons!

    The third chapter in my life revolved around your mother's illness and death and my departure from, followed by a return to my present self-absorbed adolescent reality.

    Chapter two was from mid 20's to late 40's. You know that period of time very well. I would wake up at 3AM, go to work, come home at 6 or 7pm, eat, help clear the table and take out the garbage, fall asleep the moment my head hit the ground in front of the TV, and somehow find my way back to the bedroom praying that I would not wake up your mother and be subjected to the ensuing outburst of outrage. I worked every 4th to 7th night - all night - so sometimes I would not appear back home from the hospital for 36+ hours.

    The days I had off invariably involved some family related activity...driving you and your sister here and there, and watching you and Leila compete in a variety of sports. I don't remember how little life I had of my own, whatever there was, was spent on the tennis court or running, especially as you and your sister became more independent. I never complained about that life, my work and family was my life. I could not see myself apart from those aspects...I did not live a separate life outside looking in. I didn't read, I didn't do Yoga, I didn't dance, I didn't golf, I didn't do home projects, and I balked at having to fuss over holidays and special events - which your mother was very good at - making special days special.

    We have chapters in our lives, for better or worse. Some chapters are better than others. We hope that the chapters are connected, not pasted together from different books but represent a unfolding story that is drawn from previous and present chapters to give meaning to the following ones. Indeed, we hope that the book is not a series of unrelated short stories. And we hope that by the end of the book, we still are able to recognize ourselves.

    1. And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...