What is it that I want? What do I desire? What do I crave? What do I wish for?
To start with, I feel utterly content these days. So, this is a strange time to ponder such a question. However, it also feels oddly appropriate to dissect my wants at a time when I have no real needs. My life is good, so why not inspect what motivates me, what gets me out of bed in the morning and keeps my blood pumping.
While it may sound boring, I honestly want to get more familiar with the nuances of the system I'm working on with my new job. I've only been exposed to it for 8 weeks, but I am surrounded by a bunch of really smart and motivated people and that has me feeling the sting of being the FNG, a title I will hold until Monday when our most recent new hire starts his journey. I don't like not knowing as much about the system as everyone else. I want to at least reach a level of competence in excess of my current level of comprehension. I want to be able to contribute in a timely manner and not have to have to learn everything the hard way. I want to come through in the clutch instead of delivering late and forgetting about important details. I want to contribute to creative design and problem solving. I want to have some small piece of this app to call my own.
I also want a whole lot outside of work. So off we go down that rabbit hole.
I want a life partner who is happy with and without my presence. Perhaps more specifically, I want a life partner who is able to enjoy or at least tolerate my idiosyncrasies. It seems to me, after a number of wobbly trips down my cobblestone highway of a personality, that I am an extremely difficult partner. I don't like that label so much, and yet I'm unsure how to resolve this problem without abandoning my sense of self, without giving up the parts of me which make me special. I sometimes wonder if a waiting period should be required in order to date me, sort of like purchasing a handgun. Anyway, bottom line, I long for a healthiness which doesn't mean I'm off the hook when it comes to effort, but some sort of natural state which doesn't depend on my ability to be someone I am not.
I want a child. Not two, although I'd consider that, but just one. I think one is cool. I like the 2 parents to one child ratio. I think that works. I feel like my clock is running out though.
I want to lead a group within the context of yoga, running, etc. I really enjoyed today's workout because I finally got to actually lead my athletes through their first set of intervals. I yelled, I blew my whistle, and I ran around everyone until well after sunset. However, tonight also felt a lot like herding cats, with 90% of my effort being used up by logistical concerns. I sometimes wonder if the team would be better off with a more simple minded cheerleader type of coach. Or an enforcer type of coach who sticks to the plan and doesn't improv or explain, just takes convention as fact and spoon feeds it. We'll see where things are at as the season progresses. Ideally, though, this leadership would eventually transition into the yoga studio, a space where everyone can come and go as they please without me having to worry about tracking any lost sheep. I know I enjoy this type of dynamic, of leading and motivating a group, of sharing my quirks with others and feeding off their energy as they would feed off mine.
Finally, I want more time, more time to write, read, learn, etc. I also want to spend more time alone, perhaps one day incorporating meditation. But the problem with all that is that I already feel like I've been drifting away from many of the friends I cherish the most lately because I find myself completely over-scheduled. I don't think I have any free time in my calendar before Thanksgiving. Missing out on good friends bums me out as much as not having enough "me" time. So, at the heart of things, I really want more time overall, more time to do more. Maybe I should stop sleeping.
I'm unsure if I want to race seriously again. I might change my mind if I could focus on training without worrying about income and work. For now I feel completely content without racing. Not because I don't love racing, but because I feel like I would rather give it a full effort than anything half-assed.
I don't know if I want to move ever again. I think I want to stay in this house as my residence forever or at least for the next 20+ years. I'm happy here. I wish it weren't so expensive to live in SD, but I frequently feel like it might actually be worth it, even with the traffic.
I've wavered on if I want another dog. I think I've come to the conclusion that Hunter will be my one and only soulmate of a pet. Perhaps if I had a child who wanted a dog that would be the right time to consider another one.
I want to travel and see the world but I can wait on that until I'm squared away a bit more on the home front.
I want my garage cleaned and my bikes functional. That's a simple matter of putting in a few hours. I seem to be stalling on that indefinitely.
I want to purge my closet of half the junk that's in there but I have a hard time getting rid of good stuff.
I want to go to sleep because I'm tired. So I think it's time to do that.