My attitude is at an all time low today.
I started writing a long vent of a post and then deleted it. There's no point in spreading negativity. Writing some of it down was enough of a release. Making it to yoga or getting a run in would have been even better, but that didn't happen.
The realization I've reached is that I'm overloaded and over-extended. Life changes await. I haven't decided exactly how far I might take this, but I'm contemplating the sell-everything-and-move-back-to-Hawaii plan. The major reason not to do that, Hunter, probably won't be with me more than another year or two. Once my most loyal friend is gone, there isn't any reason why I couldn't wipe the slate clean and start over from scratch. I'd be walking away from a lot of virtual dollars if I sell off the houses I own, or I could just keep renting them and live at home, on the cheap, with less headache than I have right now. Not having a car would be nice, not having any stuff might be even nicer. Being able to live on a few dollars and not having to worry about a large source of income would be infinitely less of a burden.
Perhaps 38 is a good time for a mid-life crisis and for reinventing myself in a completely different state with a completely different occupation and from a bare minimum of responsibility. Perhaps the weight of life and the absurdity of over-scheduling myself among too many different responsibilities, in some foolish attempt to broaden and invigorate my perspective by exposing myself to as many different personalities as I can has gotten too heavy for me to sustain.
This is where my thoughts are. I hit a bit of a bottom today, I gave beyond that which I had the capacity to give, to my dog and to my little brother, and I'm completely empty now, with a ton of additional chores to complete before I can sleep and start over tomorrow, giving to yet another friend in need. Meanwhile I get messages from friends who want to schedule lunch or dinner, time I don't have available, and I'm faced with turning down coaching and missing yoga teaching opportunities which I'd really like to pursue because there isn't enough me to spread out to those areas.
I feel like pizza dough which has been stretched until a hole has torn.
I hope you are in a better place right now. 38 is a great year for mid-life crisis. I actually started when I was 35. I know, from another post, you have put a few things to the side. I hope this has helped you feel less stretched. Take it easy.
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